In Regards to Selfishness...

I think there are times in our lives where an event, a conversation, a observation, or something of that sort that brings a revelation plowing into our minds. In that moment we may not fully understand what we are feeling, but some time after, we find ourselves reflecting on it, pulling it all together, trying to make sense of it.
Something like this happened to me when I was around 11 or so. I’m normally not the type to have vivid recollection of memories but this one I have kept for years. Though it feels more like the memory refuses to die, not kept alive by my choosing, but having a will of it’s own, not allowing itself to be forgotten.

My dad was playing 3rd base for our church’s softball team. This position was the least favored among all of the players, with the exception of my dad. The reason being that almost everytime there was a line drive the ball would streak down the 3rd baseline directly at the players shins, or waist at best. I can’t even remember how many times I saw one of those hits whistle towards my dad as he planted himself directly in front of it, with a smirk sneaking across his face, figuring that if he didn’t catch it at least his chin, chest, or legs would stop the ball from getting out of the infield. My dad was my hero.

It was nearing the last innings of the game and my dad had caught one of those legendary line drives to secure the 3rd out. The whole team cheered and jogged toward the dugout, each person making certain they patted my dad in congratulations.

I had suddenly realized that had a craving for a candy bar and was waited by the chain link fence for my dad as he strode off the field. I asked him if he had any money so that I could get a candy bar and a drink. My dad fished around in his pockets and produced a single dollar bill. He apologized for the shortage on snack money and said that was all he had.
Thinking nothing of it I darted over to the concession stand eager to satisfy my craving for chocolate. I plopped down on the bleachers and began eating my chosen candy bar, pausing only to sip my soda. I remember that I was half way through when I glanced over and saw my dad sitting on the bench with his teammates sweating and worn out from playing so whole-heartedly.

That’s when it hit me.

My dad only had one dollar and because I got myself a candy bar and a soda he would have no money to get anything for himself. I had thought only of myself and what I wanted. I didn’t even consider whether or not my dad might want something.

This may seem like a small thing but I was crushed by the depth of my selfishness. I grabbed the remaining part of my half-eaten candy bar and sprinted over to the dugout. I pressed my tear-streaked face against the fence and asked him to come out.

When he walked over to me I began to cry unashamedly and told him that I was sorry that I didn’t save any money for him to get anything and offered the rest of my candy bar to him. With a smile he told me that he didn’t want anything anyway and eating candy while running around playing softball would make him feel sick. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled my close to him in a hug. Sobbing, I shuddered in his arms. He hugged me until I managed resolve my crying into quick gasps and sniffling.

Right about then the current batter hit a fly ball which was easily captured by an infielder. My dad asked me if I was ok and I said I was. Satisfied he turned and stepped back onto the field. I immediately began walking toward my dad’s truck stopping only to throw the rest of my candy bar into the trash. I climbed into the cab and curled up in the floorboard. I don’t know how long a sat there. I didn’t cry anymore. I just sat there, staring at dad’s pager that was lying in the seat. He always kept with him since he was a volunteer firefighter.
I felt like my sorrow had gone beyond shame and began to look more like self-loathing. My dad was and always has been so selfless. I just didn’t understand why I wasn’t more like him. I kept thinking, “How could I be so selfish?”

I’m pretty positive that by the next morning I already forgotten about the whole ordeal. I was way to busy trying save the world as Sonic the Hedgehog.

I still have those moments though. My hope is that as God sanctifies me through his Holy Spirit it will happen less and less. I feel trying to live out Phillippians 2:3 is my life goal and a quite a venture it is!

May we all continue to grow in humility and love, putting others before ourselves, just has Jesus gave himself up for us.

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not {merely} look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, {and} being made in the likeness of men. Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.” Phil 2:3-8